Bond, James Bond – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

(From Blurred Productions)

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Year: 1969

Bond Actor: George Lazenby (Age: 30)

Bond Country of Origin: Australia (!)

Women Slept With: (Probably) 3

Villain’s Evil Scheme: To use brainwashed young women to distribute a virus that would wipe out the world’s food supply

Some people think this is one of the finest Bond films ever. Others think it is a train wreck. I’m forgoing a normal review to state my opinion with a List of things that make OHMSS a terrible movie!

-They cast a god damn Australian as James Bond, a man more British than Winston Churchill having sex with a cup of tea at a soccer riot

-James Bond gets fucking married! And not under a fake name, as in You only Live Twice, for real married.

EEeeeaaaggghhh!

EEeeeaaaggghhh!

-Bond’s wife is also the least attrative of the Bond films up to this point. (She’s much prettier in the Avengers, to be fair)

-Lazenby’s British accent was so bad they had to dub in half his lines. The man couldn’t read a line if his new wife’s life depended on it

-Bond is trapped in a secluded resort with 10 women desperate to sleep with him and he manages to sleep with exactly one woman, again the least attrative and most annoying one

URrrggghh

URrrggghh

-Bond breaks the fourth wall for the only time ever in any film within the first ten minutes

-James Bond, man of men, reads Playboy in his free time as if it could teach him anything or show him anything he hadn’t seen before

-Though they just met, Bond and Blofeld do not immediately recognize each other. 007 didn’t have any plastic surgery Blofeld, did they give you new eyes along with the face?

-The first Bond to wear a kilt is the first Bond to not be Scottish.

Ach!

Ach Mate!

-All the action in the film is played at double speed and cut to ribbons. This does not make it any shorter. The film lasts for around 4 years of your life

-007 is forced to quit MI6 and team up with his Mob boss Daddy-in-law to catch a known super-terrorist

-James, license to kill, weeps openly over the body of his wife, who he couldn’t have known for more than 6 months

-This film began the lame Bond trend of action scenes while skiing. What fun, guys in heavy coats shoot puffs of snow around our hero! Oh no, an avalanche! What a shock!

-Blofeld’s scheme is unnecessarily convoluted, dumb, and so inconsequential I could not remember what it was until I looked it up

-From IMDB: The only James Bond movie where both the main villain (Ernst Stavro Blofeld) and sidekick (henchwoman Irma Bunt) survive and are neither captured, nor arrested, nor killed. Weak

I will give the film a few points though: the Bond motto is pretty cool, Kojak is pretty awesome, and Diana Rigg is the first Bond girl to show any real depth. That depth and complexity doesn’t stop her from sleeping with James Bond by the end of Act 1 though, of course. 140 minutes of my life to watch James Bond punch in fast forward, pass out in slo-mo, mumble lines, quit, cry, and try to settle down with the Missus. What a rewarding experience.

Bond Rating: S out of SPECTRE

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